Au Revoir!

"Electricity is another name for magic.

Wind is another name for magic.

Water is another name for magic.

Love is another name for magic.

We all live in a magical place."

Even though I almost always blog about the sad and bad aspects of my life, I am blessed with a great life. I have the most wonderful dad in the whole world, the greatest brother and the best friends one can possibly ask for. I have one of the easiest jobs {considering how much I get paid}, I get fairly good school results and I am clothed, sheltered and fed everyday. Not to mention, I've got awesome followers of my blog - whether you're public, silent or anonymous. I will be paying my brother Jae Won my annual Christmas visit in London next week, so this is most likely my last blogspot post of the year. Unless I get some brilliant epiphany in Europe. Anyway, this year has definitely been an emotional roller coaster for me, and I would really like to thank you all for staying for the ride <3

I hope this Christmas, and next year, will be filled with tons of smiles and good memories for all of us. Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year everyone :)

Love, Elaine x

Loved By You

"You may call me foolish - a child

You know it'll be true

But I don't want to be loved by anyone but you."

(by: infinite butterflies)

Not meaning to target anyone, but people are constantly saying to me "don't worry, you'll find the one". In response to them, I always smile and express my gratitude. I don't give them my real response, because I don't want to offend anyone -nor do I have the patience (and usually time) to explain to them why that statement is of no comfort and has no effect on me whatsoever. Plus I hate expressing these feelings because I feel like one of those annoying, whiny teenagers - always complaining about boyfriends and dating and all that jazz, when things more important and more desperate are happening around the world. Nevertheless, here is my real response.

I may be young, but I've experienced and learnt lessons far beyond my age. The main thing I've learnt is that there is no such thing as forever. That people can and will break you, and the only person who can fix you is yourself. This is probably the reason why I'm so religious: because I like knowing that in a world of broken promises and and incontinuity, there is someone whose promises are never broken, whose love lasts forever and whose always got my back. But that's another rant, for another day. Anyway, because of this, I have never fully relied on anybody. Don't get me wrong, I do trust people, but it's a different type of trust. I trust people with my life, but not with my secrets. I don't trust people to not leave me later on. Most of all, I don't trust people to save me. I'm my own damsel in distress and prince charming all rolled in one.

What I found in him was someone who made me smile often. Someone who never said "everything will be okay" when I complained, because he knew that things were either too messed up to be okay again, or I was exaggerating and nothing better could possibly happen. Someone who would tease me and laugh at me, but deep down never mean it. Someone who understood that sometimes I just want to be left alone. Someone who actually listened to all my rants and ramblings. Someone who regularly told me how he felt about me. Still, his insecurities annoyed me to no end. All the times he brought up 'my boys', or how he thought he was ugly. I didn't understand what he wanted from me at times. I hated the fact that he always wanted me to go to him, but he'd never come to me. But he'd always wait for me. Even when I was 3 hours behind, he'd still be there... waiting. I hated it whenever he'd not believe me or what I said. I hated how he could talk the talk, but I'm not even sure whether he could walk it. He wasn't my 'Prince Charming', nor was he 'The One'. He was simply mine.

So when people say to me, "Don't worry, you'll find The One."
I'll reply and say, "I don't want 'The One'. I want him."

Distraction

"There's a simple escape - it covers any mistake.

Always have a good distraction"

With no work, volunteering or outings planned for today; and only 2 more formals and graduation to go, today I was able to do nothing but sleep in and relax. By noon, I was well-rested but also fully aware of why I let myself work so hard over these past few months. If I were to label the game my life has been like during the last few months, it would be 'Hide and Seek'. It kind of goes,
Running.
Running.
Running.
Tired.
Hiding.
Running.
Running.
Tired.
Stopping.
Caught.
As soon as you stop running, everything you've been running from catches up to you. The thing about distractions is that they are only momentary and, like everything else in this world, they don't last forever. As soon as I stop running, he's right there. And everything comes flooding back - our firsts, our favourites. Our lasts. But still I won't say anything. I won't admit how much I miss him, or how I think of him on a daily basis. He may look at me, like this, and think, "So this is who you were all along - all nonchalant and non-caring". But this is just who I am to other people. And he has become other people.

Maybe I'm just too stubborn, or proud. Or both.
Either way, it hurts. But only when I stop running.

People say that it's okay to cry when something hurts. To close your eyes, and let all the tears go. I guess I agree with them... as long as you don't keep your eyes closed for too long. Who knows? Things might have become a lot more beautiful since the last time you looked.

- (photo/by) to the living / imfreelykeely

P.S Get a TUMBLR!

Stay

"Although I've come to regret now, I know it's too late,

There is nobody who can take your place,
I want you to stay, want you to stay"

I hate people. Well, maybe 'hate' is too strong a word. I passionately dislike people. I passionately dislike how selfish they are. I passionately dislike how shallow they are. I passionately dislike how fragile they are. I passionately dislike how I'm just another one of them. I passionately dislike how they have the power to break me. I passionately dislike how I can't live without them. I passionately dislike how much I need them. I passionately dislike how I much I love them. Most of all, I hate people because they disappoint me - always making promises they can't keep.

But you should all know by now that I'm a walking contradiction. With camp and 2 formals down, I only have 3 more formals, work experience and the formal assembly before I am officially a year 10 graduate. After everything the only definite thing on my agenda - other than work - is the charity I have volunteered for, Save The Children. Because as much as I passionately dislike people, I also love people. And I love this world. And I love people because they are in this world. I love love. Well, maybe 'love' is too strong a word, or maybe I just fall in love too easily. But why shouldn't I? Love looks good on me.

Secret: When I feel like I'm becoming too dependent on someone, I slowly and subtly draw away from them. It's not that I don't like them, it's that I like them too much. And I'm not yet strong enough for another disappointment. It's kind of like investing in the stock market. When your stock is good, the stakes become higher and there is a lot more at risk. So why should I keep investing? Basically, if I feel like I'm becoming too close to someone, I withdraw myself. To protect myself. Because I don't want to be broken.

"She was caught in the foams, and no matter how hard she tried, it kept pushing her away from the one she loves. And as she drifted hopelessly with the waves, she cried with the salty tears that were no different than what she was drowning in. It's funny, she thought, that you can't hear my cry when it's been my tears keeping you afloat."
- Christal / dearskye.

Sigh what am I saying? No one can break me. I'm Elaine Kim...

"Under that façade, the skeleton was cracking, the soul was bleeding and it was all a beautiful mess."

Hysteria

"It's holding me, morphing me and forcing me to strive
To be endlessly cold within,
And dreaming I'm alive."

I would like to happily inform you all that I have found all my dresses to the five formals I will be attending over the next few weeks. I found my final dress last weekend at Fashion Weekend Sydney 2009, which I promise I'll post pictures of soon. I love the atmosphere of fashion shows. I love all the feelings I experience every time I work - the frenzy and adrenaline, the nervousness and excitement. And I can admit, the attention is not too bad either. I walked for Australian lines: Seventh Wonderland, This is Genevieve, Ginger & Smart and Madame Marie. I have discovered that by keeping my body fully occupied, it keeps my mind occupied as well.

I have mentioned before how life is like a canvas - you only get one and so all you can do is paint on, and sometimes even paint over. What I did not mention was the signature on the corner of the whole canvas. The one thing that you cannot erase nor paint over, because that one signature claims ownership of the whole painting. It may not be big or noticeable, but sure enough, it's always there. I'm beginning to believe that you're my name on the corner. Because you're always there. In the corner of my mind. Always. I made a lot of mistakes before I got to where I am now, to you. Each one was honest and none that I regret. Because it is the same way a tree bends in the wind and twists and turns, before it can touch the sky.

Before I resume packing my suitcase for camp, I would like to say that no matter how much I love summer fruits - there are not enough mangoes, watermelons or strawberries in the world to make up for this unbearable Australian summer heat.

Finally, rest in peace supermodel Daul Kim.

Dammit (Growing Up)

"I’ve been here for too long

To face this on my own
Well I guess this is growing up"

I haven't given up yet. I want to, but deep down, I know I haven't.

Anyway today was, unofficially, my last day as a year 10 student. Next Monday, Tuesday and Friday is my Year 10 School Certificate exams. The following Monday, I will be officially signing out of school for 2009. Those weeks will be followed by Camp, Work Experience and our Masquerade Formal. To add to my already busy schedule, it is Fashion Weekend Sydney next weekend, in which I will be part-taking in. I'm an impulsive person who usually just goes with flow and takes things as they come, and so all these set plans kind of freak me out. What I'm doing until the end of this year has all been planned out, I work regularly now, I study a lot more than I used to, I stress a lot more these days. One of my best friends got her driver's license the other day. I've attended two weddings and three baby showers over the past month and a half - all of them close family friends or relatives. Everyone is growing up.

I can feel my life forming a pattern - wake, school/work/church, go out, eat, study, phone call/TV, sleep. Day after day. I don't even realise I'm basically doing the same thing I was doing yesterday. It's like the days are gone too fast. Seemingly, this is a good thing. I'm actually starting to grow up and take more responsibility. I'm not procrastinating anymore, and I'm taking more initiative of the direction of where I'm headed in life. But then, the inner impulsive girl whose response to questions regarding future events is almost always: "wherever the wind takes me" is telling me -- no, demanding me -- to skip a photo-shoot, but instead catch a bus to Canberra to visit my cousin. She's demanding me to stop memorizing Newton's Three Laws, but instead do something more exciting.

Newton's First Law states an object at rest tends to stay at rest, and an object in motion tends to stay in motion with the same speed and in the same direction - unless it is acted upon by an unbalanced force. Don't you think life is the same? Your life is at a complete standstill, unless it is acted upon by an unbalanced force. So I was thinking, let's be that unbalanced force. Let's play hopscotch in malls. Let's drive fast with the top down. Let's turn up the music as loud as it'll go. Let's put a couch on an island in the middle of the freeway and wave at everyone on their way to work. Let's hug strangers in parking lots. Let's hand out secret messages at traffic lights. Let's make lists of all the things that make us smile and tick them off, one at a time. The world will carry on without you and me when we're gone. Let it carry on without us, today.

Hush Hush

"I am never beaten - broken, not defeated."

When I asked you how you'd been, I meant I missed you more than I've ever missed anything before. But I think I'm going to try to give up now.
'nuff said. I need to study for my School Certificate now.

P.S. 25 degrees Celcius today, 26 tomorrow and 30 the day after. Kill me now. Seriously. Please.